My Story of Infertility and Infant Loss

You think the moment you and your partner decide it’s time to have a family that it will happen instantly.  Unfortunately it’s just not that easy for everyone, myself included.  I wanted to share my story of infertility and infant loss in hopes that it can help someone else.

In 2011 my husband and I decided we wanted to start a family and began trying for a baby.  After trying for about a year with no luck I spoke to my OB who suggested I take Provera (to get a period) and Clomid (to ovulate).  For some reason after stopping the birth control pill I wasn’t getting a period on my own.  I did that for 3 months and still nothing so she suggested we see a fertility specialist. Since I had a few issues working against me we did not want to waste any time and we decided to do IVF.  In March of 2013 we did our first IVF cycle.  It was a lot of work, a lot of appointments and a lot of medication, but we were lucky that on the first try it worked!

I found out I was expecting a little boy and everything was going great.  I felt good and had no problems at all, so I thought.  At 36 weeks and 5 days I was rushed to the emergency room and had to have an emergency C-section.  When I woke up I learned that my beautiful boy had to be resuscitated and we were both transferred to another hospital.  After 2 days of intense testing we learned that he had suffered brain damage, amongst having a lot of other problems.  If he survived he would suffer from many severe handicaps.  He was so sick and we couldn’t stand to put him through any more misery, so at just 2 days old we decided to take him off of life support.  We held him for 5 hours until he took his last breath.  It was the worst time of my life and the best time of my life all rolled into one. The next morning all I heard was babies crying.  I was discharged and left the hospital without my baby, with empty arms.  Did this just all really happen? Why did this happen to us?  Were we being punished for something?  Babies aren’t supposed to die, especially my baby.  I felt like I was living a nightmare.

I don’t think I fully comprehended what had happened until I went home and had to look at an empty nursery, and all of the baby things scattered throughout the house. I was fully ready for my baby boy and everything was set around the house for him. The next couples of months were just a blur.  The pain and emptiness that you feel after losing a child is unbearable.  You just can’t imagine going on with your life.  Why is he gone?  Why am I still here?  It just doesn’t make sense.  It should have been me instead of him.  You become severely depressed and full of anxiety.  Seeing everyone go on with their lives while yours has completely stopped is very difficult.  You can’t help but be jealous of every pregnant woman you see.

The truth is nothing will ever be the same again, especially holidays.  Instead of making him his Easter basket I decorate his grave.  Instead of planning his birthday party I am releasing balloons and baking a cake in honor of him for my husband and I to eat by ourselves.  All I have left of him is small memory.

I later learned that he had Velamentous Cord Insertion (with possible Vasa Previa), basically his umbilical cord was not inserted properly into the placenta.  It is something that is easily diagnosed via ultrasound in the second trimester.  The blood that I had lost prior to going to the emergency room was his, a blood vessel from his cord ruptured, that is why he had suffered such severe damage.   Had it been diagnosed his outcome would have been very different, and more likely than not he would have been fine.

I want everyone that is experiencing their own kind of loss to know that slowly as time goes on, you will be okay. The biggest thing that helped me was talking to other women that have been through similar circumstances.  That and just letting  time pass.  No your life will never be the same again, but you do learn to go on.  You don’t ever get over it, or through it, but you learn to live with it.   I promise you that you will laugh and be happy again.  You will even be able to think about your baby and talk about them without crying.  You just start to live a new normal, and your loss becomes a part of you.  That baby will always be your child and no one can take that away from you.

Where am I now?  Well as soon as I was medically cleared we started trying again right away.  This time the infertility issues were even worse.  My next IVF cycle was a chemical pregnancy, and I had multiple failed attempts after that.  We tried using a surrogate and that didn’t work either.  The first attempt failed and the with the second attempt the embryo didn’t survive the thaw.  We then decided we were solely going to focus on adoption it happened.  I was pregnant  ……naturally!

In August 2015 I was blessed with another beautiful little boy. I had a planned c-section and everything went perfectly.  He is now 2 years old and he absolutely lights up our lives, he is our everything.  He in no way replaces my first born son but he definitely has made my days easier and brighter.

Yes this journey is a difficult one, whether its infertility or loss, or both.  I believe the best things in life are worth fighting for, so that’s exactly what we have to do.  Don’t ever give up or lose hope. xo

 

Beauty Items I’m Currently Coveting

Today I wanted to share some beauty items with you that I have heard rave reviews about and that are currently in my shopping bag.  Below are some of the items I am currently coveting.

Clinque Repairwear Intensive Lip Treatment  This treatment naturally boosts collagen production and helps keep lips moisturized and protected. Perfect for the winter.

Charlotte Tilbury Full Fat Lashes 5 Star Mascara  This is suppose to curl, separate, lengthen, and dramatize lashes in just one swoop.  I know I will need multiple coats but reviews say it doesn’t clump.

Tom Ford Ultimate Bronzer in Bronze Age.  This bronzer is suppose to be amazing.  Everyone says its the formula because it turns from powder to a creamy finish.  I can not wait to try,

Tom Ford Bronzer Brush 05 I don’t think I read one bad thing about this brush, I hear it is well worth the money and makes for a flawless application.

Charlotte Tilbury Hollywood Beauty Light Wand  This liquid highlights and contours at the same time, and who doesn’t love trying new highlighters?

Slip Silk Pillowcase This silk pillowcase claims to stop those pesky sleep lines from appearing on your face in the morning.  It also is suppose to save your blowout and not cause any damage to your hair.

Whats in your beauty wish list? xo

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Cozy Sweatshirt and Black Joggers

Like most people I like to be as comfortable as possible as often as possible.  If I am home or running a few errands you will typically find me in leggings.  I wanted to try something different for the fall and was on the hunt for the perfect black joggers and I found them!

 

 

I love these from Sincerely Jules.  They are a nice thick material which is perfect for the fall and winter.  I also love the tie waist and zip pockets.  I do suggest sizing down though.  I originally got a Small, I thought they fit fine but as I wore them throughout the day they really loosened up and became very baggy.  I reordered an x-small and all though they seemed to fit a little snug around the knee area, once I wore them for a couple hours they became the perfect fit.

I paired them with this adorable camo sweatshirt (a big plus for the thumb holes).

 

My Favorite Easy, Healthy Dinner Recipes

With Fall officially here that means less grilling and more of using the crock-pot and oven for dinner.  Today I wanted to share with you my favorite recipes that are both easy and healthy.

Baked Chicken Parmesan is kid-friendly and much healthier than frying!

Baked Chicken Parm served with either pasta or spaghetti squash

 

 

Turkey Chili topped with avocado and cheddar cheese

 

 

Chicken Noodle Soup (I cook mine in the crock-pot on low for 8 hours and put the noodles in a half hour before serving)

 

 

Ground Turkey Stuffed Peppers Recipe - This no-fuss stuffed peppers recipe is the perfect easy family dinner recipe. If you prefer ground beef, it's an easy swap!

Ground Turkey Stuffed Peppers (I did tweak this recipe, I leave out the garlic, onions, and Italian seasoning and use brown rice instead of wild and mozzarella cheese instead of cheddar cheese)

 

 

Turkey Taco Burrito Bowls are a family favorite meal! Let everyone build their own bowl for a fun do it yourself dinner. Turkey taco meat simmers on the stove top to make these burrito bowls so flavorful and a quick, 30 minute dinner that everyone will love. Add on all of your favorite taco toppings for a fun and delicious dinner. 

Turkey Taco Burrito Bowls

 

 

Although the summer calls for salads and grilling, don't forget easy slow cooker recipes! Easy to mix together in the morning, and ready in the evening. Classic pot roast for the win!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Crock-pot Pot Roast (I do often leave out the soup mix and can of soup and just use a can of beef broth instead)

 

 

amazing-slow-cooker-soup

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pasta E Fagioli (I add pasta and beans 30 mins before serving)

My 6 Go To Pink Lipsticks

My favorite lip color to wear is pink.  It goes with most makeup looks and it’s so easy to wear without ever looking harsh. I also find it to be the most flattering with my coloring.  Today I wanted to share my 6 go to colors shown above in the swatch from left to right.

  1. Chanel Rouge Coco Gloss 728 Rose Pulp
  2. MAC Pink Nouveau
  3. MAC Angel
  4. MAC Snob
  5. YSL Rouge Volupte Shine in 7 Lingerie Pink
  6. Georgio Armani Lip Maestro in 513 Drama Glow